The Wandering Monkey

This is a bit different from the usual entries.  I had been dating my dance partner, Chris, for a long time.  We were together in Shanghai for about a year and a half, then when I returned to the US I broke it off after a few months.

 

When I got back to Shanghai, I realized I still had feelings for her.  At the time, she said she had moved on, which I took as a bit of a small shock, but I decided that it would be best to accept it.  I had, in fact, been the one to break it off.

 

In time, however, we did get back together again.  But after a few months, the problems which had been there before were there again.  It is a bit sad, in its way, because I would have really liked a different ending to this.  I broke it off with her again, and I think this time is different.  She is not happy with this, of course, and I can't blame her.  I feel guilty for asking her out again, then dropping it, again.

 

In the long run, I think it is the right thing to do, but it does not feel very good.  She's quite upset with me.  We are going to stay out of contact for a while.  Not too hard, since I am in Beijing and she in Shanghai.  The sad thing of it all, is she is my stongest supporter in many ways.  Up until now, she's probably the person I could count on for just about anything.  Our problems instead stemmed from a difference of personality, or several differences.  It really is too bad.

 

FYI, I am in Beijing and I did arrange to get the on-site interview with the company I was trying to contact.  I think the interview went well, and now I am waiting for a follow-up phone interview.  I hope I get the position, of course.  If I do, I will move to Beijing as soon as can be arranged.  If I don't, it's pretty likely I'll be back in the States.  Right now in my career I need to find a position which broadens my skill base.  And so on, and so on.

 

Sometimes I think about it.  I'm 37 now and not married.  Most of my friends are married with kids already.  And there's a certain practical nature.  You don't want to be the 60 year old with the 20 year old kid, but that's what I'm in line for if I ever to get married.  Sometimes I think I am not the marrying type.  I am, by some descriptions, a difficult person to get close to.  I'd say this is true.  Sometimes I think I'd be better off a lifelong bachelor.  I do respect my other friends who are married with kids, but I don't envy any of their situations.  I don't visit them and see their lives and say, "Hey, that's what I want."

 

Breaking off with Chris is a dissapointment in many ways, but it has me thinking.  I suppose right now it is just as well to continue to focus on work.  I do need to get a stable job going.  The swing dancing thing was fun (mostly), and it did get me to a new place in life, but I am really ready for the next stage.  What that is exactly, I'm not sure.  But I am sure ready to get back to work.  From then, I will have options and can make some choices.

 

All for now.  Hope you are all well out there (all two of you!)

 

Last note, regarding swing.  I have pretty much stopped all of my involvement in the swing group.  I had a falling out of sorts with the woman who I appointed to manage it.  I intended to remain in charge, with her managing all day to day activities and me overseeing it.  As such, she was not happy with the arrangement.  I did consider trying to wrest control back. I thought about this quite a lot.  Emotionally, it's what I wanted to do.  But practically, it was not feasible.  It's not a money making enterprise.  It *does* take a great deal of time.  And most of all, I have no guarantee I will be able to remain in Shanghai to oversee it if I did take over.  All I would be doing is disrupting the society and possibly causing it to break down.  But now, especially with the break with my former dance partner, I really don't see myself being able to go at all.

 

In the end, I think there are good things to come of this.  I am happy the society is continuing.  This means what I put in place has made a mark on society.  In its own small way, perhaps making the world a better place.  I also can be proud that the systems, training, and methods I put in place were reliable.  So reliable, in fact... well you know.

 

In the end, I think a great deal about the help my former assistant manager gave to me.  She was a volunteer for two and a half years.  My most reliable person, and about the seventh regular student we ever had.  She was also a confidant; I told her many stories and personal things.  An ear to listen, if you will.  And, she is continuing my work, so there is some comfort in that.  We are presently on cordial terms, and I'm not even in Shanghai anymore, so things will all work out fine.

 

Perhaps you are wondering about Beijing.  How is it different than Shanghai?  Well, it, too, has a swing dance club.  As a matter of fact, right now I am staying in the apartment of the founder of Swing Beijing.  He's off to Herrang, Sweden, for a five-week swing dance camp.  i'm here, in his apartment, waiting for my next interview and looking around Beijing in the meanwhile.  I think I could be perfectly happy here, provided I have the job of course.

 

That is all for now.  Again, hope you are all well. 

 

Peace out,

-J