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For three years, I have been in China teaching Swing Dancing. Now I'm wandering yet again...

2005-08-13

Burnout 

Some people in life seem to inherently know what it is they want, or know what they have to do.  I'm not that kind of person.  It takes me a long time to figure out what I want, especially when it's a big change.  Sometimes, I may consciously think that I want some thing, but then when I look at my behaviors and actions, it really seems like I want something else.
 
Over the last several months, I have been taking inventory of people who are big contributors in the swing dance scene.  I've nailed down a list of several functions which are essential to the success of a night: 1) greeter, 2) teacher, 3) DJ.  A Greeter says hello and takes attendance, asks people if they want to join the swing dance class, and collects member dues.  2) A teacher teaches.  3) A DJ plays music.
 
I have arranged for a rotating group of Greeters, and I have promoted my dance partner plus one of my best students to teach as Assistant teachers.  The DJ just needs to play the music, but its really a lot more complicated than that.  He (or she) must know all the music, select the good from bad, and keep on looking at new music all the time.  This takes hours of time every week.  Before a single big party, I probably spend six hours alone getting the music selected and ready.  For a weekly event, you just need to
 
In addition to the event staff, there are also some vital background jobs which need to be taken care of.  1) Class structure design, 2) Email newsletter design and distribution, 3) website design, 4) graphic design, 5) pulicity.
 
And, in addition to that, there is the long-term planning: 1) Event Planning (a major job!), 2) Getting guest teachers, 3) setting up sponsorships, 4) designing marketing plans, 5) taking care of business legalities, and 6) probably more.
 
If swing dance is to continue after I'm gone, I need to make sure these things are all accounted for.  No one has time to do all of it themselves, and since it is not a money making enterprise (as of yet) no one would want to do it.  However, a group of people might all contribute enough to keep it going.
 
So, what's my point?  Though I've said it before, I am burned out.  I don't know if its the swing dancing thing, or Shanghai, or what, but I'm mentally, spritually, and physically burned out.  I'm not finding joy in what I do anymore, and I'm even not finding joy in my off-work hours.  This past week has been one huge computer game binge, with the exception of probably three hours of work a day to keep the minimum things going.  But I'm missing my social and business apointments.  What's the point of this?  Why am I here so unhappy that I spend all my time in escapes?  Why not just change something?
 
Ok, so here we are again.  Change what?  It's not so easy a question to answer.  There are a few things that have been on my mind, so I suppose I'll just list them. 
 
First is my roommate.  He's an OK guy, keeps the place clean, pays the rent and all.  My problem with him is that he never gets beyond small talk.  You know, when you first meet a person, you sometimes enter into the peppy, "So how are ya!" type of talk to get things rolling.  But then, after a few days of knowing a person you drop that and talk more normally.  He never gets beyond "So how are ya!"  I realized it in about month number two.  It's like I'm always talking to a game show host.  He's always trying really hard to be peppy and smart and energetic.  But it's so agonizing!  After a while, you're like, "Hey look, drop the act."  But from painful experience, I have learned that you just don't tell people to do this.  It never goes well.  They have developed into who they are for some very good reasons.  Telling them to change who they are is like telling them to re-evaluate their understanding of reality (which is, of course, what I'd like him to do.)  So, that is Life Item #1.
 
Second is my body.  I am 35 now.  When I came to Shanghai, I was in better physical shape than I am now.  I've lost weight, and I've lost muscle mass.  People who haven't seen me for over a year amost always say from the beginning, "You've lost weight." or "You are looking skinny".  I'm still healthy enough, but its not a good sign.  Plus, my knees are hurting more than they have been before.  It's always been an issue, but I can see where things are going.  I'm not able to keep up the pace I previously had done.  I look at my dance partner, who is 23, and she's still popping around after spending four hours on the floor.  (She also is about 5'2 and 115 lbs, so it's easier for her to do this!)  But the point is, Life Item #2 is that I am not only ageing but I am not properly taking care of my body.
 
Third is money.  I still do have enough.  Thank god for computer consulting and mutual funds!  But although I ignore this problem most of the time, and I can continue to ignore it for several years, it's a losing strategy.  I think the emotional effect of knowing that all my efforts go into losing money is also having an effect on my overall feelings.  I can make myself ignore Life Item #3, but I think it is hurting my self esteem and self respect.  That's so stupid!  Why can't to just make your own decisions about how you want to act, and not have it affect your mood!  Well, it does.
 
I suppose next item would be the female situation.  Though my mom does read this (love you mom!), and I keep it clean for that reason, I had better talk about it.  To put it simply, here in China I have choices.  I am a reasonably good looking guy, sociable, and so forth.  If back in the States, I would probably be able to find a girlfriend.  But here in China, the choices are so vast.  The mentality of the Chinese female is pro-Western and pro-older, on average.  I think it is part of the Chinese culture to admire the older men rather than the younger.  Many girls will not consider dating a guy who is 21-25, considering him still a boy.  So, when you meet a pretty young woman, back in the States you'd have to jump through hoops and do quite a lot to impress her, perhaps even just to get her attention.  But here, out on a night on the town, you are very likely to find many young, pretty girls, some of which are excited to talk with you.  The tables are turned.  How can this be a problem, you ask?  Well, it's not, really.  But it is an important change in lifestyle.  Life Item #4 is something very important to consider, should you intend to every move from this place back to the States again (or any Western country).  But, it does change you.  For a man, a lot of your personality is based upon how women react to you.  It's probably one of the number one motivators of men in life.  The reason I learned swing dancing in the first place was because I needed something to do to impress women.  I needed an angle, a competitive advantage.  Over here, there is already a built-in competitive advantage.  Again, it's not a problem, but it is an important consideration in any decision I would end up making.
 
Next is my feeling towards dance, and swing in general.  Even back in the States, I went through points at which I didn't want to dance.  So I would take a break, some times for months.  It was a choice I had.  But here I do not have that choice.  I am organizing a social scene, and I feel a responsibility for keeping it going, regardless of my own feelings.  But I think that pressure is affecting me.  In my free time, I never want to listen to swing music.  I do not want to meet people to go out swing dancing.  I don't feel any enthusiasm for it.  It's the last thing I want to think about when I have free time, because when I'm working I'm always thinking about it.  I think this will not be a real problem, if I get other people who are excited to help out.  I still like setting up swing dancing events and making plans for the organization as a whole.  That is the last point.
 
So, the end result is this: I have been blowing off all of my responsibilities lately.  I want to do just the minimum things to keep the long-term plans running, because I don't want to fuck that up just because I'm in a bad mood.  But I have been missing appointments, both social and professional, to take hours and hours at the internet cafe, playing some well-designed, engrossing computer game.  Not eating well, not sleeping well.  Just wanting to escape, to leave reality behind.  If there's a problem you can't do anything about, and that problem eats away at you, the only peace you have is to forget about that problem, albiet only temporarily.  It's the nature of many addictions, I think: escape.  Not unlike alchoholism, once it begins, it is harder and harder to escape from it.  Each escape gives the life pleasure, or peace of mind and soul, only to plant you right back at square 1 (or square zero) in the morning again.
 
There is one more item, something I've been probably trying to avoid even thinking about.  My dad had a minor stroke some months ago, around the time I stopped the blog last time.  My relationship with my father, at its best, has been uncomfortable.  So many sons, so many fathers throughout history, the same problem over and over.  But each situation is unique, and each case the egos of the people involved can be the most difficult barrier.
 
In the ages of grade school, my father would help me with homework on occasion.  I remember one particular time, we were going over vocabulary.  I had read the words, felt I understood the list, and had given him the definition list and we were going over it.  He read the word, I said the definition, and so forth.  We got to one word, well...
 
Each time when I try to explain the nature of his attitude towards me, I go through a difficult explanation.  It was not the words he said, it was the way he said them.  The feeling, or attitude behind them.  The annoyance, or downright anger, which waited behind any potential mistake.  Or even, that same annoyance and anger which laid behind anything he dissaproved of. 
 
There was also another side to it.  My father never had any close friends.  He was not one of the boys.  His two friends that I can remember by name were both also psychologists, and they themselves quite odd people as well, even by his own admission.  But he was a respected person at his work.  He worked, of all things, with retarded kids program for the state of Illinois.  My sister went to one of his 'farewell' type parties, and the things which she heard at that event made her completely change her mind about my father.  The other people there were saying he was a hard working, loving, dedicated person who gave no second through to self-sacrifice. He spent his life making the lives of disadvantaged others better.  And so forth, with complete sincerity, over and over from many, many people.
 
My sister said (either to me or to my mom) that it was like they were describing another person.  All of these character traits, the personality of a philanthropist, a quiet worker making lives of others better.  I was not there at this meeting, but it was after this that my sister's relationship with my father improved.  She, as had I, at about college age attempted repeatedly to 'break through' to him.  That is to say, if I may cycle back to the original problem, when you talked to him you never felt like you were really getting the true person.  He lay behind a wall of arrogance and an arsenal of reflexive criticism, tools of emotional war which he never laid down.  Sometimes you just wanted to say to him, Stop being so arrogant!  Stop being so critical!  I really need your help right now!  But during those times he was not to be reached.
 
Those who have not experienced such a person, what's the technical word... Narcissistic.  I got this diagnosis from one of the therapists I had been seeing myself.  A Narcissistic personality is one who's development has been interrupted during the Narcissistic phase of their life.  This phase is the age somewhere between 2-4 years old, when a baby becomes mentally aware of their own existance, but has not yet realized of the existance of others.  Eventually a baby will realize that others exist just in the same way that them themselves exist, and now they've exited the Narcissitic phase.  If a person's development is interrupted during this time by a significant trauma, lack of proper stimuli (such as being surrounded by other Narcissistic people), or other problems, it will lead to a chain of events preventing them from making proper inter-personal relationships.  They will never truly connect with others, a thing which most people take for granted. 
 
Narcissistic personalities, as adults or young adults, can realize their position and attempt to break out of it.  Probably, they will attempt many times.  But most of these attempts will yield nothing but amusement, criticism, or anger of others.  (This much I know from my own personal experience). 
 
And, as a coping strategy, they may find a skill, art form, knowledge,  or character trait which they excel at and will make people admire them for this skill.  Or, lacking such a skill or character trait, they will simply convince themselves they are 'really good' at something, or 'really good' at everything.  Or, simply criticize everyone and everything around them, thus feeling that if the world sucks anyhow they by comparison are not so bad.
 
When I was in college, after about two years I felt something was quite amiss, since I myself had for some reason not formed any close friendships.  I went through a very painful period after the death of a close friend in which I had to take stock in what was happening.  Though I could not have begun to conceive of it at the time, I myself was a Narcissistic personality.  That's the whole thing: from your own point of view, you will never know.
 
Though I would not be able to put a name on it for many years, I knew something was wrong, and having no other choice in the matter I had to deal with that something, no matter how bad it might be.  Through concentration, trying different approaches, and close observation of myself over weeks of time, I eventually came up with a life strategy which got me going on the right track.  Then, once stable again, I needed to determine why the problem had emerged in the first place.  During this very difficult period, I noticed that whenever I fell into despair, I would do some soul searching and try to find out the root of the problem.  I just kept thinking of different problems (like I'm doing now) and kept going until I found a thought which caused me to relax or feel a little better.  Then, no matter how random that thought may have been, I would take a mental note of that 'relax' thought and keep on going.
 
After a few months, I'd noticed a indisputable pattern.  90% of the 'relax' thoughts had to do something with my family.  They were not necessarily very well formed thoughts; could be I would remember doing something as a child, or having an argument with my dad, or something strange my mother had said to me a long, long time ago.  The thoughts seemed random, but there was a common thread in it.  So, like solving a great puzzle, I kept gathering pieces and pieces until a more clearer picture formed.
 
Anyhow, that's enough for tonight.  Peace be with you.
-J
Posted by: Jimbo / 7:34 PM
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