The Wandering Monkey

Granted, I have been saying some pretty optimistic things in the last two posts, but recently I have been having some doubts about my own situation. Last night, and two nights before, as I went to sleep I came to a 'realization' or 'feeling' that I don't want to do this swing dancing this anymore, this China thing anymore.

I have always had the most trouble figuring out what it was that I truly wanted. Whenever I am placed with a person with a particularly strong personality (or let's say, 'assertive' personality), I find myself very frequently backing down, seeing it their way, deferring, and so forth. I always hated this characteristic in myself, but it comes from childhood and exposure to my own father's assertiveness.

Eventually, after enough of this deferring, you really do lose track of what it is that you truly want. Everyone has trouble making decisions -- major life decisions. Everyone has their own method for making those decisions. But for me it's been particularly difficult. Somewhere in the inside of my head there is a clear desire for what I want to do. But I really can't see it very clearly. I do tend to act out my desires subconsciously, however. So, what I do is I take a look at how I have been acting over the past few weeks or months. I try to disregard the reasons why I THINK I'm acting that way. I imagine I'm just watching someone I don't really know that way an judge that person by their actions.

Judging myself by my own actions, I would say my efforts here have not been up to par. I know what I'm doing is difficult, but I can see another person succeeding in the same situation. I spend an extraordary amount of time on non-productive things. I should have a much better developed business plan, classes organized, publicity, and so forth. I'm not being unreasonably self-critical, I am just trying to be honest with what my own real movitation is right now.

I know I wanted to get out of the SF Bay area. I had bad time recovering from a relationship breakup, and I could just feel the energy draining by measures each day. It was right to get out. It was right, too I think, to go to Shanghai. I have enjoyed my time here. I have benefitted much, and gained much in worldwide perspective and life experience. I've met a lot of good friends, too.

But what is it I want to do now?

First of all, what are my obligations? We all must make our decisions within the frame of our own obligations. I am much more free than most people in this regard. I have no family of my own nor signficant other, and I'm really quite OK with that. I don't think that's what I want to seek anyhow. So this means I can move anywhere, I don't have to support anyone besides myself, and I'm free to pursue just about anything. It's also a bit empty living this way, too. Obligations bring benefits as well, of course.

My only true obligation that I feel is that I must make swing dancing continue in the event that I don't want to be at the center of it anymore. I think that this is the direction I want to pursue over the next six months. If I can get classes going, get my students to teach the beginners, and get at least one quality teacher to take over for me, then it will continue. These have been my thoughts at the end of the day.

I also look at my housing situation. I have not been agressively pursuing my own apartment. I think in part this tells me I am actually considering leaving and trying to paint myself into a corner so that I have an excuse to leave.

Everyone has listless feelings from time to time. I think it is best in the long run for everyone to be honest with how they are feeling. If they don't want to be in a situation, it's better to admit that to themselves and work towards a direction which fixes the problem. If you pretend a problem doesn't exist for long enough, eventually you forget the problem. But it still exists.

So what am I doing, just whining? Maybe tired. Frustrated, for sure. I don't feel like I have a lot of momentum right now. I feel like I'm struggling to stand still. Burnout.

The people who I have talked to who have set up dance scenes very often feel this way. I met a guy back in SF before I left who set up a dance scene somewhere. After about a year he didn't feel like dancing anymore, sort of dropped out of the scene.

I'm not going to take any immediate actions on this, but I think that I should try to spend my remaining time here making the scene self-sufficient. I've never before put a time frame on how long I want to stay here, but I think that I should plan for six more months. Get accomplished what I want to get accomplished, then at that time I can make the decision on what to do, where to go, and so forth.

Peace,
-J